I'm finally laughing like before.
After a long extended talk, which I finally thrashed out all that excess crap that has been hanging over our heads, I feel that a giant weight has been lifted from my heart. We talked, argued, ranted at each other, and finally... the end is in sight. To be honest, I really thought that it would come to a point where we would end up as strangers again, but it seems like this time, my life won't go that fatalistic way.
To people who are concerned for me, thank you guys for the support. Dudes, I would never have survived without you guys. Sweating it out once in a while rocks. :)
Now... there is just that one last hurdle I need to cross... and I must cross it tomorrow...
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
1:34 AM
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Woah. What a day.
Just got back from cycling and blading at east coast, working up a sweat with ethan, dior, justin, rennette, beng, mel and denis. Biked by heart out... then realized I started without any water intake, without any food intake. I knew what was coming when we stopped at bedok jetty for a breather... heatstroke. what didn't help was that i was wearing an extremely thick polo tee today as well. really tried to puke, but with no food or water, there was no mess, thankfully! finally after resting and slumping on the ground for like 15mins, i managed to weakly crawl back to my feet, and bike back to the starting point at mac's. halfway there, suddenly felt full of energy, and just went on and on and on till near kallang, when i spotted like a dozen cats lounging about the grass patch... and i HAD to stop lol.
We then went on to BK, had dinner, and suddenly after a smoke, everyone was like super nua... so we scrapped our arcade plans. the long bike ride gave me time to think about stuff, and how to put them right.
School... was... uh... usual. i sat in my usual position, then the other person simply avoided me like the plague and sat somewhere else. of course, when she entered, she just headed straight for the other person... gah. i read SO much into such little things.
But then again... am I? as usual, the class started teasing the two of them... and all the emotions that i've tried to shove aside just fell back out the closet. cue emo mode. if you're reading this - i want to solve this problem as soon as possible... there are so many things i want to tell you, and even when you say you treat me like a friend, and value talking to me and all... i don't see it. you would rather... nevermind. i just want to find some time to talk to you, solve this dumb issue and put an end to it. GAH. i wish i could SCREAM and let it all out... but i must preserve this facade. i must.
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
9:47 PM
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On a side note? I feel absolutely crap as well when I someone seems to be in trouble or afflicted with a problem, and I can't help at all? I know it might be none of my business (most likely it isn't haha), but not knowing the problem really makes me jittery too. I want to help. I don't know if I really can do anything to improve the situation, but hell I WANT TO HELP. LET ME. PLEASE.
That said and done, I think I should go crash. Loooooong day ahead.
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
4:33 AM
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And I'm awake at this ungodly hour? Perfectly normal!
Today I just realized that there are a couple of projects due pretty soon. Crap. Time to get to work.
Also, I finally managed to persuade a few of my classmates to come on down to Settler's and play... brainless games, requested by Ros. Even my colleagues were stunned when I grabbed brainless game after brainless game off the shelves. THANKS HOR, MY REPUTATION HAS BEEN USED AS A RAG. Overall had an interesting time, and realized that we needed more people around. Hello people, get down to Settler's PLEASE!
As you can see, I seem to be in a better mood as well... I guess I am, slightly. I found that pushing all my emotions to the side does help a little. Of course, like I've said many, many times, please be aware of your actions my dear... There were a thousand things running through my head when I saw your SMS just after noon... It's not because I'll go into emo-mode for no rhyme or reason, it's because of actions. Actions speak louder than words. A picture paints a thousand words. Blah.
But I am thankful you gave me a warning... but no matter what it still felt a little wrong. And I absolutely cannot predict what will happen tomorrow when that person returns to class. I have this strange feeling that our convos are going to be limited to SMSes again... You said it was my fault purely... To be honest? When you said that, I felt absolutely crap inside. Whatever I mentioned to you before gets brushed aside, and then you side with that person, as though that person is blameless... Oh well. There I go again... that's why I'm trying to word vomit here, as per your belief that it works... I don't see any effects now though. It really works?
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
4:17 AM
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I'm not even sure if your blog is talking to me, but I'm assuming that it is.
Edit: Thanks for clarifying!Please don't feel bad. And what's more, it's all right if I'm not happy. As long as you're happy, everything is all right, so please don't worry about me that much.
I also wish that we could have talked like last time, when we first met... and not have that other person/issue come up as well.
But he broke one of my cardinal rules of a relationship, and I can never erase that thought from my mind. I know you want the two of us to get along, but it's going to be really hard. I know I've spoken to you about the problem countless times, and each time when I try to warn you, you tell me it's not as issue... but it's definitely as issue when I can't talk to you face to face at all. I can't even get close enough to you without him hovering around you. Don't tell me that's normal - you know it's not. It would be a lie if I promised you that I would talk to him.
However... despite all my misgivings and feelings about the problem, I can promise that I will try to talk to him... for your sake. I don't want our friendship to crumble just because of such a problem. I've lost the ability to talk to you face to face, and it seems that I'm losing the ability to even communicate with you via SMSes... I don't want to lose this friendship at all...
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
2:48 AM
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Funny, how all my entries start with: "It's been a while since..."
No choice there, looking at the available time that I have. Juggling school, work and other stuff takes up so much time that I barely have enough left over to actually relax and chill. Normally those times are taken from my sleep time... Oh well. Not much of an exchange there haha.
School's been really tiring, ever since I got press-ganged into being the class rep. Geez. People, if you're reading this, help me out here and know your assignment due dates PLEASE! I can't keep track of everything in class all the time.
With all the assignments that I've had to prepare for school, I've had to cut down on work lots. I used to hit the cafe almost every day, and now it's like only fridays and saturdays. Ah well. I still get the fun days at least!
And then there's the issue of finding someone... well... you get the idea. As usual, the same old sentence (You're better as a friend! Really!" works out just fine haha. I think I'm growing numb to the fact, but still... I really hope it isn't just an easy excuse to say no. Add that to the fact that... ahh. I guess I'm going on too much about this crap in my life haha... But maybe the only way to solve it would be to totally step out her life... maybe...? Sounds good...
hAtSuKoi was here with you at
3:19 PM
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